Just Because

Here is some more about what I wrote about Katherine's pregancy and delivery:

The idea of Katherine really began before I said it did in my testimony. There were several times I had gone to the temple before and the thoughts that came into my mind were: “Oh, would not a baby be so cute, babies are so sweet and special.” My internal response to those thoughts was always, well they are cute and special, but I am not having another one, I cannot have another one.

Then the fateful day arrived. I again found myself at the temple just sitting in a session minding my own business. Then there is a certain part of the session in which there are mothers mentioned (I know you know which part I am referring to). During that part, there was a quiet voice that came into my mind that said very clearly that there was another baby waiting for me and that I needed to have this child.

Well, in retrospect, as a guest in the Lord’s house one should never be rude to the gracious host, but I could not help myself. In my mind I responded, “I will not, I cannot.” I was told: “You can and you will.” I do not think it wise to ever “argue” with Heavenly Father but that was my gut response.

Mike and I left the temple that night and for several days, I did not say anything about it. Then I could not take it anymore and I began to tell Mike about the voice and what it said. He was not the least bit surprised and began to tell me what the voice had told me and said that he had the same experience and was just waiting for me to say something.

Well, this left me baffled and overwhelmed. After careful thought and prayer, I choose to go forward with the decision to get pregnant. Things happened quickly, and I was pregnant. About 8 weeks into that, the bleeding began and the miscarriage was in full swing. I had to go to the OB and get another D&C. The lab results came back and said that the pregnancy was most likely a tubal one because there was no pregnancy matter in the tissue that was sent in.

I was disappointed, but not devastated. I trudged forward. Then about six months later I was pregnant with Katherine. Truly everything went smoothly, I was not really sick or tired, and I did really well.

The doctors were watching me really close for awhile. Then at about 29 weeks, my blood pressure began to be an issue. It was on a Sunday as things always are when you need to go to the hospital. So, Mike and I went in and I was admitted. They took some blood tests to determine if the complication was serious enough to deliver me. We were told that we needed to prepare ourselves for a pre-mature baby. Into the silence of waiting Mike said that we should name the baby Katherine Diane like we had discussed. We agreed and the name was not brought up again until delivery.

The tests came back alright, my kidney and liver was functioning properly for the time being. I was then placed in a pari-natel room to receive the steroid shots over the next 24 hours to mature the lungs. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to receive an insulin shot every four hours in the process of receiving the two rounds of the steroids. The steroids have a tendency to make the sugar levels go through the roof and the insulin was given to counter act that. By the end of the two days the back of my arms were sore from all the shots.

I think that I would like to take a moment to talk about what it is like to be confined to a hospital bed for an extended period of time. It is agonizing. It is devastating. I hate it. My body has a habit of being an early riser by nature which does not bode well while in the hospital. The OB resident wakes you up to do an exam at about 5:00 a.m. and then I am able to drift in and out of sleep for the next hour or so. Then the day begins and one is forced to face many hours of doing nothing but sitting in an awful bed. I would say the very worst part of the many times I have spent in the hospital is the bed. It is just terrible.

I get settled in for the night and then the shift changes and the night nurse comes in to do a stress test. When you are hospitalized for complications with pregnancy they must hook you up to the monitor every 4 hours during the day and then every 8 hours at night. You are on the monitor for about 45 minuets at a time. It is very time consuming and tedious. The night nurse hooked me up to the monitor and then noticed that I was beginning to have contractions. Then the contractions showed that I was beginning to go in labor. Well needless to say that set off several alarms and got several doctors jumping at 12:30 at night. I was wheeled down to the procedure room saying “Do you think I should call my husband?” The nurse quietly said to me, “Well let’s wait and see what’s happening.” This was December and there was about 6 inches of snow on the ground. As I was getting up on the exam table, I said a quick prayer that myself and the baby would be alright. The answer came very quickly and said that “Don’t worry, she is only meant to be a baby.” This was a very strange thought, in my mind I said well of course she is meant to be a baby, she is a baby. But, now I know that was a tender mercy of the Lord again preparing me for her loss.

The procedure goes well and they are able to stop the contractions, things calm down for the night. The next three days I remain there as they adjust the medication for the blood pressure to begin to regulate better.

I return home and about 5 days later I am forced to return due to the blood pressure. This time, it is the week of my birthday and as fate would have it another birthday is spent in a cold and lonely hospital room. The time spent then was about 3 days and I am told that only strict bed rest at home is allowed. We make arrangements for my mom to come the last two weeks of December. Then my mother-in-law comes the first week of January. Mike is then able to take the rest of the time until Katherine is scheduled to be delivered at 36 weeks.

The time spent here at home is long and boring. The days are devastating to me. I am a doer, a worker. I yet again face my greatest fear which is loosing control. The fear of total loss of control looms above me on a daily basis. The amount of medication that is taken is also very fearful to me. I worry about how it is affecting the baby. But, I also feel that there is no choice. I must take the medication in order to remain pregnant. During this time, the doctors are always taking blood work to closely observe how my liver and kidneys are holding up. My veins in my arms become so bruised that they are unusable to draw from them anymore. One vein bursts and bleeds everywhere. The techs are forced to draw from the veins on the tops of my hands but those become bruised as well. Daily insulin shots are required as well. I am forced to set my alarm and wake up at 1:30 every morning to take medication.

Mercifully, the weeks pass by and the day before the cesarean arrived. As already discussed, a blessing is given. Then we farm the kids out for the night and prepare for the next day.

We arrive early that morning, they were waiting for us. I have been assigned by previous planning the most seasoned nurse on staff. She stays with me the whole weekend for all three day shifts. Thanks to nurse Jan for taking such good care of me. Upon arrival and exam, all three doctors who were taking care of me concur that I must go back on the Mag Sulfate after delivery in an effort to save my life. I am told that the blood pressure is so serious and my body so swollen that the chances of my death and the death of my baby are very high and the Mag Sulfate is the only option between this life and the next.