On January 16th, 2012 my beautiful, perfect angel was born three years ago. We celebrated her birthday with our "usual" traditions. We got balloons and did a balloon release at her graveside. I ordered a pretty birthday wreath to be placed there. We then went over to Children's Hospital and went into the chapel there to see the flowers placed on the alter there in her honor and her memory. The sad day ended with us eating out as a family which we never do, so that was a real treat. The kids always have a great time, but for us adults, it is always very hard. I am waiting for the time that it will get a bit easier, but I am not there yet. But, I do know that there is no set time table for this process, but it is still hard and sad.
We are continuing to attend the on going grief group that my good friend and I helped to facilitate with another dear friend of mine. It is always very bitter sweet to go there. It is bitter to go and see the sadness and feel the grief there, yet it is so sweet to go and be able to speak openly about our Katherine without being judged or having people feel uncomfortable.
I was talking to another close friend just the other day and the grief group came up in our conversation. She asked me an interesting question about that which has been very thought provoking for me. She asked if I attend to still help me with the grief I feel about Katherine or do I go to help other people with their grief. What is my purpose in attending the group? I had never thought about it before to be perfectly honest. The more I thought about the more I realized that I go for a lot of reasons. One reason is to see the dear and sweet friends that I have made during this process. I go to hear Katherine's name spoken. I guess to feel some validity that she was actually here and did live and was here on the earth albeit for a very short time, but here nonetheless. I go to participate in the discussion and the activity that is planned. I go to hear the words of other parents. I go to draw strength in numbers. There is something to be said for that, there is strength in numbers. The loss of a child will draw different people from very diverse backgrounds together and allow them to become friends. I am quite sure that my path could never have crossed with any of the people that I am now friends had Katherine not died.
The facilitator of the group has become a close and cherished friend of mine. I am not sure if I have written about the first time I met her. If I have oh well, I am writing about it again. The first time I spoke to her over the phone was about 8 days after Katherine died. I has just endured the funeral and my house had finally emptied of family. I was alone for the first time in over a week. My house was filled with flowers, there were flowers everywhere on every surface of my home there were flowers. We could not eat at our table because it was filled with flowers in all sorts of different sized vases. I remember just sitting there at the table feeling so angry, so mad, so desperate all I wanted to do was take my arm and sweep it across the table and then watch all the flowers fall and then watch and hear the crash of the vases. I wanted to see the vases shatter into a thousand pieces, I wanted and needed to see that destruction. I was going to do it, I was going through with it. But, then the phone rang. I went to see who was calling and saw that it was someone from Children's Hospital. My curiosity was peaked, so I answered. The voice on the other end of the line was like an angel reaching down from heaven and bringing me back from a very dark place. It was sweet angel Geri. I had never met her, never heard her name. She was talking, at first in my state of mind I did not hear what she was saying. But there was something soothing and calming about her voice that drew me out of my dark place. She was so cheerful, so comfortable talking to a grieving mother. She spoke Katherine's name with such ease and grace. How was she able to that? Everyone else seemed to squirm and be very uncomfortable with speaking her name. Geri was so soothing, she promised that she would call later and that she was calling to check on me and that she would call again. Someone who wanted to talk to me about Katherine, someone who was not uncomfortable? How could this be? I will tell you how this is to be. Geri has a gift, so was sent to earth with this gift. She truly has been given the gift to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Geri in a very real sense saved my life in that moment. I am forever in her debt, but she already knows that, but sometimes it is just good to say it. Thank you sweet, sweet Geri.
