In Memory of June 18th, 2009

So, a couple of weeks ago we remembered the first anniversary of the passing of our beloved Katherine. The day went as well as it could have gone. I stayed busy which was what I needed to do to get through the day. We did a balloon release and sent her flowers from Fairmount. It was simple and perfect just what I wanted it to be.

As part of the grieving process, I have chosen to do a lot of writing about my feelings and where I am at in the whole process of enduring the trial of the loss of a child. As part of the writing I have chosen to take up journal writing again. I have not written in a journal since college, so it has been awhile for me. So, I have decided to share a part of what I have written in the journal to commemorate Katherine's loss and to help me remember her and the blessings that I have received through her passing.

That is what prompted this writing was homework from therapy to write about what I thought about which blessings have come since she has left us.

So, here goes. The journal entry is from May 7th, 2010,

I have had many blessings that are here to help me through this hard time. I think that I will take a moment to list some of these blessings.

Do you know that I have always loved horses? For as long as I can remember, I have loved horses. I remember I would have my mom take me to the library and I would look at all the horse books. It was a small library and they were all the same but that did not stop me. The classic story was that when I was in 1st grade I told my teacher that we owned a horse. A white horse as I recall. A beautiful white horse. That was not true of course. My family was a young family living in the suburbs of Phoenix, AZ in a small ranch house in Mesa. Needless to say, we did not have a horse. But, I told my teacher that I did, because in my mind I had one right? So, when my mom went into the parent teacher conference, my teacher said something about my horse, my mom said, "What horse?!" So the story goes.

There is something about the sites and sounds and smells of the barn that I find very appealing and comforting. I began riding when I was 12 and lived in England. I learned how to ride by jumping. I attended an English Hunter/Jumper school. My first lessons was on a Pinto pony named Pom Pom. I was taught the very basic essentials of the different gaits of walk/trot/canter. The next lesson, the teacher had me attempt to jump over a cavaletti. A cavaletti is a small jump. Of course, I was in the wrong position and fell off. My foot caught in the stirrup and I was hanging down with my head in the sand of the arena. My teacher came and picked me up and then asked if I wanted to do it again. I said of course I do! Thus began my illustrious career of riding.

I did not pick it up again until my junior year of college. At the time, BYU had an equestrian program in which I became involved in. I began riding 5-6 days a week. I was on a team in which we competed as a team and as individuals. I also taught classes as a T.A. In short, it was a huge part of my life. I loved every moment of it. Then I chose to get married and move to Denver and took 10 years off from riding.

Then my sweet Katherine passed away. The void she left in my life felt like a great abyss. I felt a need to be doing something. I decided to turn to the one thing I have always loved which is horses. I happened upon an advertisement of Snowfield Farms in a flyer. I was drawn to the picture because of the two women in it. I was worried because I was not a typical student. I was not a teenager nor a beginner. I was a 30 something mother of four seeking refuge and healing that horses could give me. I met with Laurie Juneman and she took me around her facility. Laurie is one of the blessings that I have been given through this loss. She is a sweet, thoughtful, selfless person. She is highly successful in her business. She has two facilities in which she owns and trains horses and riders. I go to the one in Parker and she also owns one in Vail. It is through the blessings of paying tithing and fast offerings that we are able to afford me going once a week. The time at the barn in a tender mercy and a generous blessing granted to me by a kind and thoughtful Heavenly Father. He knows how much I love horses and how healing it is for me. Therefor, He has allowed me the opportunity to be there. I would never in a million years go there, never would have even considered it. But, I know that life takes some unexpected turns.

I rode a horse name Houston for about 3 weeks and then he was injured. Then Laurie put me on Montego Bay. He is a bay gelding. He is very well trained and always makes me look good no matter what. He is a jumper and makes it look effortless. I rode Tego about 7 months and then Laurie decided I was good enough to ride another horse to challenge me and help me get stronger. I now ride the largest horse at the barn. He is a large and beautiful black gelding. He is the first horse I remember seeing when going to the barn. He is eye catching and impressive and tall. I have to stand on my tippy toes to place the reins over his head and that is after asking him to put his head down. He is a gentle giant and an absolute dream to ride in the arena. So supple and turns on a dime for such a large horse. As you can well imagine he has great strength and power. He loves to canter and jump. He was trained and competed on the professional Hunter/Jumper Circuit. His name is Big Thom, I often call him Thomas.

When I am having a hard time, or perhaps feeling a little sorry for myself, I turn or perhaps it is Heavenly Father turning me to this blessing as a reminder of the many things I have gained through this loss.

So, that is the entry. I thought some may appreciate this part of a way to remember my sweet daughter. After writing this, I mentioned to Laurie about it and how I had found her in the advertisement. She then told me that was the only time she ever paid for an advertisement like the one I found her in. She said that it was very expensive to pay for it and she only did it that one time. Another tender mercy in the hands of Heavenly Father? Maybe, I like to think so. I love you sweet Katherine. I look forward with great joy of seeing you again.