Just Because I love You and Miss You

This is a post that I have wanted to do for a long time! 

I wanted to share a couple of thoughts that I have run across the last couple of months that I hope may be helpful for those of us who are moving along the stepping stones of grief right now.

The first thought is a poem that I ran across entitiled "Birdwings" by Rumi.

Your grief for what you've lost lifts a mirror up to where you're bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here's the joyful face you've been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.  If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as bird wings.

This is so simple and so pretty at the same time.  I do feel that grief is very carefully balanced.  I also beleive that it is important to not get paralyzed by the feelings you have.  I find it helpful to try and keep moving it may not always be forward,but keep moving, that has been one of the keys for me personally.

So, my second thought I wanted to share in this post comes from a great book that I read entitiled "Kayak Morning."  This book was recommened to me by one of the mothers in the on-going greif group that I attend.  This bereaved mother lost her son in a very tragic manner.  She is not very vocal in the group so when she spoke up and recommend this book I listened and I am so glad that I did.  The book is a collection of thoughts that a father has while he is kayaking in a creek near his home in Maryland.  The father lost his 38 year old daughter to a sudden and enexpected heart issue.  By profession the author is an essayist for the New York Times, so the book reads a bit like an essay.  But, his thoughts are so sweet and tender and yet so profound and deep it was quite frankly moving for me.  I wanted to share some of his words from the book.

"Last week I had a public conversation with Marsha Norman.  She has a new play about the Sioux in 1890.  It centers on the Ghost Dance, a religious movements developed at the time of the Wounded Knee Massacre, in which U.S. Army troops killed over hundred fifty Lakota Sioux.  The Ghost Dance was also a ritual to raise the dead.  Marsha said the Sioux had a saying:  "The dead are just one song away from the living."'

I really liked that quote.  How beautiful, how simple.  Can our loved ones who have passed away from us really be just one song away?  One thought away?  One tear away?  One prayer away?  One thought away?  One breath away?  Katherine, are you that close?  Are you just one breath away?

The second thought I wanted to share come from the end of the book, these are his closing words of the book.

"Love conquers death.  No celestial jury will bring Amy back to me.  I will not see her either, no matter how others may want me to.  She will not talk to me.  But in the time since she died, I have been aware, every minute, of my love for her.  She lives in my love.  This morning when I climbed into my kayak and headed out, I  knew that I would be going nowhere, as I have been going nowhere for the past two and a half years.  But, my love for my daughter makes somewhere out of nowhere.  In this boat, on this creek, I am moving forward, even as I am moving in circles.  Amy returns in my love, alive and beautiful.  I have her still.

Greif:  The state of mind brought about when love having lost to death, learns to breath beside it.  See also love.

I aim my boat to toward the shore."

My sweet angel Katherine, you are alive in  my love.  You are alive in all of those who love you and miss you.  Farewell my daughter until we meet again.  Farewell, Carry On, All is Well.

Fun with Grandparents at Heritage Park

 Our final full day in Utah was spent with Grandma and Grandpa Nelson at Heritage Park.  This is a park that has a pioneer town set up in it.  They have a lot of older houses and buildings from that era that are part of the park.  You get to ride around on a train that takes you to different stops along the way and you can tour the various homes and buildings there.  The kids panned for gold at one of the stops.  Then they went into a school house and Joseph got into trouble as you can see from the picture.  You know Joseph, always a trouble maker!  Then the kids were able to take some pony rides which they loved.  They got to ride on the ponies name Chip, Dale, and Lucky.  They rode the ponies three different times.  We then almost sold Joseph to the tanner in the town as an apprentice and then at the last moment changed our minds!  We ended the afternoon by visiting the "This is the Place" monument which was built as a memorial to when the Saints first entered the Salt Lake valley and Brigham Young said "This is the right place, drive on!"  We had a great time and a fun trip.

Going to see some "Older" Nelson's

 On our way back down to Salt Lake after leaving the reunion, Mike wanted to stop by the Logan City cemetery located right in the middle of the Utah State campus, it seems that the campus is built around the cemetery.  While we were there I saw several students cutting through the cemetery going from one building on campus to the other.  I think that the cemetery was built first and has been there for over a century and the campus came a bit later.  Mike wanted to go and find some of his ancestors that are buried there.  I think it was a a great grandfather and then a great grandfather.  It took him quite sometime to find them and a bit of walking around.  I am glad we ran into some people mowing the lawns there and told us where to look.  But, Mike had a great time and well, I read a book.  We then ate a great burger place in Roy Utah featured on Diners, Drive-In's and Dives.  It was Yummy!  Then we made our way back down to Salt Lake to Mike's parents house.

Famuily Reunion: Connecting the Dots and some Dancing in the Dark

 Our last full day at the reunion was going to church all together as a family.  The ward we attended normally is very small but in the summer months the attendance swells to over 2,000 people on any given Sunday.  Joseph was asked to help out by passing the sacrament and along with his older cousin Corbin, did a great job.  We then went home and had a FHE all together and then "connected the dots" to all of our ancestors by telling stories about them and then doing some fun pioneer activities.  It was my mom's birthday that day so we celebrated that as well by having yummy Texas sheet cake and ice cream.  Happy Birthday to Mom!  Next on the itinerary was something that we did two years ago at the last reunion.  One of my mom's sisters brought up some glow sticks and we did an impromptu dance in the dark with our glow sticks.  So, with this reunion, my mom bought enough glow sticks and a whole glow stick pack to supply Coors Field from Amazon and then we all went to town, so to speak.  My brother Reed was the DJ and we danced the night away.  Reed and I did a very special rendition to Tiffany (the singer not my sister or close friend) "I Think We're Alone Now."  I acknowledge that there are only a few of you reading this who will know of that song and that singer but that's alright.  It was one of our favorites and Reed and I would sing and dance to it all the time in our basement with the cassette tape being played by my much prized pink boom box.  Ah, good times.  I would like to end this post with the words of Tiffany (again just as a reminder, the singer not my sister/friend).  "I think we're alone now, there doesn't seem to be anyone around now.  I think we're alone now the beating of our hearts is the only sound."  To you Reed, to you.  Oh and Reed, next time "We go sailing right out there, in our yellow VW bug, I want this song to be blaring, just blaring, because "I'm comin' to get you Reed, I comin' to get you!"  LOL my dear brother!  Thanks to Mom and Dad for another great reunion!  We loved it!

Mintonka Caves:Family Reuion Connect the Dots

 There is this beautiful cave about an hour and half away from where we were staying near Bear Lake.  The cave is named Mintonka after the local Indian tribe that gave the cave it's name following the discovery of it.  The name Mintonka means falling water.  The original name of the cave was given by a group of boy scouts who went through to tour the cave.  They named it porcupine cave because the troop of boys found a porcupine skeleton inside.  But, the name changed shortly later to Minatonka, I think Minatonka sounds much better right?  So, we got there and were told we had to wait over an hour for a tour of the cave.  So, we decided to go on a half mile hike down the side of the mountain.  It was a beautiful hike until it started to pour down a cold rain about 10 minutes into the hike.  So, we turned around to head back to the entrance of the cave which provided the only shelter.  The last switchback of the hike was very steep and narrow and now very muddy.  Mike slipped and fell and then my brother Kenny slipped and fell right after him cutting his arm in the process.  They were both covered in mud.  But, we made it up to the mouth of the cave safe and sound (mostly) and thoroughly soaked!  We waited for our tour and putting on coats over wet clothes ventured into this gorgeous cave.  The cave remains a balmy 40 degrees year round.  The tour lasted just over an hour.  We had a great time!  Even when Mike "accidentally" bumped up against one of the light switches bathing all of us in the tour group (about 30 people) in complete darkness.  Good thing our tour guide knew right where the light switch was, but boy was it dark!  Also in this post are the pictures of the cousins all in a row (sort of, poor Carter age 2 did not want to stand where he was supposed to) with their cute shirts.  Good times as usual!